Mute
My mouth is a pressure cooker,
Tongue soldered down
Lips nailed together.
Shut.
Words of relief grasping out
And escaping nowhere.
Prisoners of war.
Locked away, by you.
I cannot say.
They claw at the cheek
Rip out the tonsils.
The heart explodes
Knowing they, who know me best
Cannot console me
When I need them most.
Trapped.
sign.
I cannot imagine the sound
of your voice.
My universe is calm.
Look at me
an artist.
Read the story from my hands
and face.
No English word
could ever describe
anything
as surmise.
I can show you, instead.
Nothing is as fluid or adapt.
I dance in communication
Waves of motion
sailing intense expression.
The speed of light is faster than sound.
Your millions
of competing noises
never argue in my ear.
Yet I can understand your world,
you, unable to absorb mine.
You don’t read the meaning behind my movements.
Eyes
take in everything
at once.
I see more
than sight and sound combined.
I miss you.
Whenever we are home, I miss you. I ache at night, longing to feel you in the same bed as me. I miss your warmth and smell; It calms me and makes me feel at home. I’m, never as happy as when I know you are near. Just the knowledge that you are nearby, or at least coming home to me is enough. Even if, once you get there, your in the other room or we’re not doing anything together. I’m just happy you’re there. I completely underestimates the comfort and pleasure your company gives me. I feel so minimized and lost without it.
I miss us. Even though I dislike the dependance I have on you; all this missing- that longing and necessity that makes me feel weak and vulnerable, I want it. I like that we sometimes can need each other, its part of what keeps us together. Nobody can make me smile like you can, nobody knows how to cheer me up and take care of me like you do, and nobody knows the innermost workings of my life and mind like you do. You Know. You have all of me. Me needing you, it makes me appreciate, and be grateful for the times I get to see you. I enjoy getting exited about seeing you, missing you, and thinking about you.
I’ve realized that there is actually Nobody like you. I will never be able to have what we have with anybody else. I will never be able to Love another person like how I love you. Nobody will ever be like you. Nobody will ever have the same mind or body like as you. And I can never connect to someone, or fit with a another human being in the same way. sure, there are other people I can carry a conversation with, connect to and enjoy their company, but not like this, none resonate in the same way that we can.
I know we can wind each other up, upset each other, and take each other for granted, and no: I’m not always happy, we both have our faults, but as we know, we wouldn’t do this if we didn’t care. I want you. I want the romantic, thoughtful, passionate, appreciative, deep in conversation and fun couple we used to be. I miss us too, how we were, I don’t just miss you now. I want this relationship, and yes it has its rough patches, but I hope that we can work on them and be an even better couple at the end, the point is, I could only want that with you, and I want to make it all better with you. I want to make the effort. I could only do that with you. We may not be perfect, but we know how good we can be and we keep fighting for that. This is unconditional.
I enjoy our openness. How we know every aspect of each other, and combine them to entwine as a couple. So many of my moments have been given to you. My thoughts and feelings shared with you; cried over, laughed with, and confided in, until you know how I’m feeling, and what I’m thinking, before I’ve even uttered a single word. We have a history that makes us strong and so much more to explore before us. We know each other right down to the ugliest parts of each others being, and can still love each other. We are such big parts of each others lives. We are each others constant; the only stable thing that’s always there, and has been for years; a part of each others University and Lowestoft worlds. I feel so privileged that we have incorporated each other into our lives; how we chose to go to the same university and make a big life step together, how we live with with other, how we are part of each others families and social groups, and how e plan our lives together as a couple.
I never imagined myself sharing so much of myself. Having somebody mean so much to me that I share my entire life with them, But I am so glad I’ve found you. You have transformed everything and given me so much more than I have ever expected in life. You have made me feel things I have never felt before. These last few years, I’ve been happier than I have ever been at times, thanks to you. I never imagined somebody could Hi-jack my thoughts, feelings, heart, world and mind so much, but now they would all be so empty without you. You complete everything.
Lecturer.
I want to impress you.
Yet I feel no need.
Obsession hours wasted- no, dedicated.
To addictive contact,
Debates that will never fix the world.
Yet matter so much.
Fill my head with a degree worthwhile,
Your name, throbbing in my head.
And stepping onto every thought I create.
Stamping them as you pass.
When can I next see you?
Your lessons, learnt.
Memorised and explored.
Provoking things I never expected to arise from myself.
My mood elevating more and more after every meeting.
You are giving me something,
That I have missed for a long time.
I feel thrilled as thoughts flow into my head.
Inspirational. You are inspirational.
Muse.
Seducing my mind into a professional.
Again, Again.
When is our next seminar?
I re-learn
how to think.
You make me reach beyond any ideas
I have ever had before.
A enhanced, intellectual side of me materializes.
My mind transforms into a beautiful response.
A constant, quick-witted rapport.
I feel elevated.
You bring out a good side of me.
I feel no need for Coffey or tweed.
Your mind will do.
Your provocative mind.
Please come back.
I still think about you. Usually when I need you most. Usually when I need someone like you around, but nobody can be like you enough. You would take care of me and act in a way that nobody else thinks of. We would be so crazy and fun, nothing else would matter. We had so much in common, we would go on so many adventures and share everything that we loved. We loved the same things. We were the same person. I can’t think of a moment when we didn’t have something to say. We even shared the same thoughts. We were inseparable, chaotic. With everyone I’ve met since you went away, I’ve always daydreamed about you finding your way to me, and me being able to show you off to everyone. And when I’m down or people are treating me badly, you’d appear and stand up for me, and say the things that are on my mind, and walk out with me, ready to have our own fun instead. And I wouldn’t need anybody else. I was never lonely with you, because we were each other’s priorities. I daydream about you a lot, I still miss you. I miss the past. You never left me out or ignored me, never made me feel inadequate. You never hurt me, never disappointed me or made me stop smiling. We never argued. You having to leave was the only way we would have ended. You made me feel like a concentrated version of myself whenever you were around. I’m not the same person as I was now. I miss the past. I’m not so vibrant without you. You gave me things that nobody else has ever given me since. Nobody else is you. You were the person that I needed. And I still need you.
pale in comparison.
To feel inferior would be an understatement. I do not fit the form. Lowly appearance on the spectrum and a dismal self esteem. I cannot be satisfied. I’m never satisfied. There’s always some fat, repugnant aspect of myself I wish to rid myself of. My only wish is to have a passable body that I’m comfortable and happy with.
The familiar obese and repulsive reflection that greets me daily reappears, again. A constant reminder of disappointment. I feel like an outsider compared to the beauty around me. These thoughts of self disgust start to smother me, pinning back my broad shoulders and choking itself down my throat like the mouthfuls of food I stuff myself with. It opens my head and steps inside to control my thoughts. I become fearful of my unstable abnormality. My life distracted by image and how I appear to everyone else. It’s not vain; for that would indicate I have a liking for myself.
I stand; a beast on bathroom scales, a mass I have never reached before. There is too much flesh. Imprisoned in a suffocating cell. I sicken myself with my greed. The secret bulimic mind is concealed and hidden between four white-washed walls , with a small rectangular glazed window near the ceiling, locked wooden door and an empty, cold bathtub. A rusty cupboard with one door hanging off its steal hinges boxes the stashed variety of laxatives and diet pills. White bottles of hope and security that support me more than anything else. The care free, confident person I remember has metamorphosed into a vile, insecure wreck I don’t recognise. And in the centre of this room stands the mirror that consumes me.
I no longer possess the self control to diet for long. I want to be thin now. I can’t bear to wait months in this state. The hunger and disappointment only makes me resort to another meal. Failure. I grip the bowl, hard, and white. Abnormality and hatred spew from my mouth like venom. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth as I bite down on my knuckles and try again. The room tilts; its harder than you think. More, more. A hot rush and I even taint the purity of the toilet. It’s a relief that leaves you feeling ashamed. I lay down exhausted and heaving. Prostitute. No longer full of sin.
Getting dressed has always been a daily hassle. I spend hours searching for clothes I wont feel enormous in, only to be defeated and wear the same frumpy outfit I had on yesterday. Nothing looks good. Baggy clothes hide my shape. I straighten my hair, although nothing redeems it from its frizzy and brittle state. I emphasis my eyes with black eyeliner to draw attention away from my spots and the three wrinkles embedding themselves onto my forehead. I detest the shape of my nose, the bulbous blob of cartilage at the end, leading toward my thin lips and uneven completion. I am not beautiful, but its an improvement when I cover my face. I suck in and plaster on a smile, breathe out—until I notice the glutinous , sickening sight of my large jelly-like stomach and regain the self loathing and disgust that lurches over me throughout the day. I do not accept myself. My thighs jiggle when I walk, I feel like blubber. Its awful, unacceptable. I wish nobody would have to see me today. I know I’ll only spend the whole day pulling at my clothes and feeling so self conscious and worthless.
I see them. Never seeming to look bad or have a hair out of place. Silken locks of hair cascade off their shoulders and frame their beautiful faces. Clothes could never look that good on me. Their slender, perfect figures shout obscenities at me from the other side of the road. Their rounded breasts bouncing under their t-shirts- to think about my small attempts. I don’t even feel female. Mutant. Their flat stomachs gracefully displayed to the world with proud. I could never do that. The thought of the bulge above my shorts is sickening. My thighs swell. My shoulders are ashamed to be attached to the fat at the tops of my arms. Pale in Comparison. Misfit.
Phenomenology
I can never remember the moment we fall asleep.
We are something so significant.
Two lives, integrated.
In every, single, possible way.
Our love
One beautiful collision
Of more than flesh and worlds.
I unmask for you. Pray for us.
I cannot rest without your word on my lips.
We descend into childish dreams.
The carpet is as blue as the ocean
No undiscovered land.
I search the dark mile between us
And cling to your bear chest
My head resting on your comforting masculinity.
You are my anchor.
I’ll go nowhere without you.
I am everywhere.
I fall in love with how you look when your eyes are closed
An adorable face, your lips poised for a kiss.
You know where I am, you know it’s me.
I am your name.
The lover, that knows me by heart.
Everything that belongs to me, is yours.
I cannot live without you.
You turn, lazily
Murmuring in your gentle slumber
And holding me.
We entwine. Forever.
Your hand on my stomach
Our future promise.
Two bodies merge together under the sheets.
One lump.
You, You, Us.
My every motion decoded
Not a thought you couldn’t understand.
Our hands part, but we dream each other.
Known by heart, the shape of each wrinkle on my hand.
